It’s no secret.
It’s no secret that I have not been okay for a really long while now.
You didn’t notice? Nah, I’m sure you did!
I’m sure you noticed that I completely abandoned this site and writing altogether.
Those closest to me probably noticed the odd change in my demeanor, zeal and overall life.
It’s been quite the ride I must say, quite the ride indeed.
Details, you ask?
Well I’ll spare you the complexities and simply say that I was dealt a bad hand. Contrary to Forrest Gump, life has not been a box of chocolates, rather a polythene of the sourest patco’s you’ll ever find.
It’s odd isn’t it? How life can take you from being the happiest-go-lucky child to the most anxious-go-cry-somewhere-then-come back adult. Yeah?
Now I know that by now, this post might not resonate to some. But if you know that at a particular season in your life, you have felt like God, the universe and everyone else is conspiring against you – do hang out for a while please. Thank you.
I am twenty three years old.
I, like many millennials have grand plans for this life of mine. (Cue everything else that has been said about millenials…)
They span from career growth, my own farm of solely avocado trees, a loan free car, a godly husband, frequently using the hashtag #TreatYoSelf, a perfect bill of health and like a billion other things.
Now for the better part of my short life, I have seemed to have real control of it all.
It is like even without fully trying, things were really falling into a pretty nice shape for me. Call it the perfect trend if you will. Perfect track records both in and out of school, a good, steady job with a promising career track, amazing relationships with family and friends, the cutest cats…and then I lost control or maybe Jesus took back control or maybe I never had any control at all!
I lost it all.
So what happens when girl child here realizes that her entire plan is crumbling apart like an egg less cake?
She gets her war gear, adorns herself and literally goes to war – fighting the battle on her knees.
She stands on Mark 11:24, prays with 1st John 5:1 and earnestly believes Matthew 7:11.
It’s worth mentioning that in between the waging war, she is also fighting other battles namely insecurity, shame, anxiety, pride, lack of support and downright loneliness.
She fights and fights. Boy does she fight! She is sure that all this fighting will end in a victorious war cry only it doesn’t.
It end’s with a burned out, beaten down soldier, who has seemingly lost the battle.
This is where the plan, stops being her plan and becomes His plan.
I will be honest and say that even as I type this in, I don’t know diddly squat what God’s plans for me are.
I don’t know whether they include a farm of solely avocado trees or a godly husband. Though it would be great to have both…but I don’t know.
What I do know however is that whatever this plan is, it is a good plan. A plan for my welfare and not my harm.
Now do I trust this plan of His – especially in what has been one of the roughest patches of my existence?
Yes, yes I do, despite it being excruciatingly hard.
I trust that He is good and kind and caring even when every fiber of my being doesn’t want to.
I trust that His promises are Yes and Amen even when all I hear is No and not-amen.
What I’ve just said up there…It’s so cliche I know! I cringe.
But you know what; I have been through circles and circles this past year debating whether any of this is worth it.
And I have not figured it out.
I have not understood His ways and why we His children undergo such grueling times but cliche or not I what I have figured out is;
- God does not owe us the future we want. He blesses us with the future that in His infinite Wisdom knows we need. Stop living life as if God owes you!
- Sometimes, we really are not meant to know why we suffer as believers. Understanding this frees us to rest in God’s sovereignty.
- Tough times and tough seasons are not always because God is testing us, sometimes, He is revealing stuff to us – oh if we would only pay keener attention?
- Thriving in life is not equated to #LivingMyBestLife, rather it means being faithful with the small things, that’s all God want’s from you. Even in the darkest of pits, you can thrive when you are faithful with little.
- It’s okay to be unsure about your faith because it is then that you realize, that when you thought you were flying, you really were not – it was God holding you up the entire time!
- But even when you are unsure about your faith, hold on to that one tiny. little strand of hope. Its the tiny strands that create fabrics, long, great fabrics of hope.
This is what I now know. This is what you’ll also probably figure out one day, if you have not already. Trust it.
“Only Christians can truly rejoice in trials, because only Christians can find more of God there.”